April 5th. One month bago ako mag celebrate ng 28th birthday ko.
Takot ako sa matataas na lugar. Ironic because nakatira ako sa bulubunduking lugar ng Baguio. My point is madali akong malula. Kahit simpleng bangko lang na pag aapakan ko, para mag palit ng bumbilya ay nababalot na ang buong pagkatao ko sa nerbyos; makikita mo kong nanginginig habang hawak ang bumilya sa aking kamay pinagpapawisan at takot na papatong sa silyang wala pa sa dalawang talampakan ang taas. Kapag successful naman ako sa pag screw-in ng bumbilya, pwede na kong mag pa inom at i-celebrate ang hindi ko pagkamatay.
Lately, I have decided to look on to the ravine. Wondering gaano ito kalalim at kung kutson ba or bato ang sasalubong sa kin. Eto ung malalim na bangin sa tagalog. Fascinated ako sa mga bagay na tumatakot sa akin. Fascinated ako sa mga bagay na pwedeng pumatay sa akin in an instant. Instant lamay: libre kape at biscuit. Bawal mag take home kasi mumultuhin daw kayo ng pinaglalamayan niyo.
Interisado ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan at mga bagay na tumatakot sa kin. Face your fears, live your dreams sabi nga ng isang commercial ad. Pero hindi mawawala ang takot mo sa anung meron doon sa pagbagsak mo kung mag decide ka ngang tingnan at aksidenteng mahulog.
Mahilig tayong tumalon. Take risks. Living your dreams (again). Calculated risks man or simply because of sheer recklessness, we always find enjoyment in it. Try mo nalang maka-relate: Tatalon tayo sa mga bagay na bago, palayo sa luma. Bagong cellphone kasi ang Samsung Omnia ay mas cool kesa sa Nokia 3210. Bagong trabaho because you could not stay happy in your previous job, Bagong apartment, baka kasi the landlady would be nicer this time, bagong damit kasi panget ang kupas na, bagong paniniwala dahil ang luma mong paniniwala ay hindi na “cool” sa paningin ng iba. Bagong relationships not simply because the old one didn’t make sense anymore, kasi niloko ka, kasi si ganito at si ganyan at ganito na nakahanap ng ganyan kaya Booooom! Simply put, ito ay dahil hindi ka na masaya.
Well, I have decided to make a jump for it. “FTW: For the win” sabi nga ng isang kaibigan ko. Take more risks. I don’t want to look back in my life knowing that the most exiting risk that I took was eating chili. High risk investments have percentile returns. To make most of my life is going to be hard. Harder that it already is. Hindi na ko matatakot. Mabalian man ako ng buto sa pagtalon ko, alam kong mabubuhay ako. Mas malakas, mas matibay, at hopefully was guwapo.
Ngayon, tatalon ako. Mag isa. Hopeful pero puno nang takot. Curious pero certain sa mararamdaman ko sa pag pagbagsak. Something new. Something na hindi ko pa ramdam sa 28 years ng buhay ko.
Para sa bagay na bago. Para sa mga bagay na di ko alam. Para sa mga bagay na matutunan ko sa pagtalon. Sa Pagbagsak…. Wait lang, I set ko muna ang Mp3 sa song na Disenchanted ng My Chemical Romance
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
To Sarah
We met while the stars bicker
Their brightness
as they flicker
Awaiting for the gasping moon to cast
Silence on who is the brightest
It soon alights its throne and
Contours the monochrome sky: light and dark.
The air soars pass our sleeves to our bodies.
Chilling the proverbial coffee with each stir
Of silver spoon: Tink, ka-tink, tink, ka-tink.
Mellow light fills us with the drama of a bustling
Bistro as it mixes into the cauldron with blabbing
And shouting, and laughing, and more blabbing.
A smile, maybe two joins the mixture.
I asked again for your name (believe me, I have a
Problem remembering those) as we laugh to find
Out that we share the same title: “alone and restless”
Out of a billion souls that walk and scour this rock,
We meet while in unison of the same song sung
By old bards with near-brorken Sra'ajhhs
about the fallen, the risen
And the journeying.
Their brightness
as they flicker
Awaiting for the gasping moon to cast
Silence on who is the brightest
It soon alights its throne and
Contours the monochrome sky: light and dark.
The air soars pass our sleeves to our bodies.
Chilling the proverbial coffee with each stir
Of silver spoon: Tink, ka-tink, tink, ka-tink.
Mellow light fills us with the drama of a bustling
Bistro as it mixes into the cauldron with blabbing
And shouting, and laughing, and more blabbing.
A smile, maybe two joins the mixture.
I asked again for your name (believe me, I have a
Problem remembering those) as we laugh to find
Out that we share the same title: “alone and restless”
Out of a billion souls that walk and scour this rock,
We meet while in unison of the same song sung
By old bards with near-brorken Sra'ajhhs
about the fallen, the risen
And the journeying.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Si Phantom Menace
Usually, ayaw ko na may gumugulo sa utak ko. Ganoon lang talaga ako siguro. Kasi ako ung obsessive-compulsive na person at the same time burara. pagdating sa gamit ko sa sa bahay, ok lang na nakakaalat. Mas madaling hanapin ang nakakalat lang. Sa isang banda, pag ang utak ko ang nakakalat, ibang usapan na iyon. Sport nalang tayo sa labas!
Dumating si Phantom Menace sa buhay ko na parang bagyo. Biglang kaboom: ulan hangin. I was being blown to a hundred different directions. Nagkaroon ng landslide of emotions. The next thing I knew, it was a smorgasbord of feelings na; Magulo, addictive, insane, parang roller-coaster ride na may libreng cotton candy, guilt stricken, smile-inducing, intoxicating, stasis-causing, at kung anu-ano pa.
Inside this loony brain of mine, nabuo siya as the epitome of what is ideal. Ideal as in yung template ko. And um… yeah… for the highschool students out there, DREAM GIRL (pweh pweh! I hate the term) And take note, no one has ever come close to it ever. Ang ideal ko ay combination ng 26-taong experiences, aches, pagninilay-nilay, pangatngat ng kendi, pagbisita sa dentista, baggages, walang katapusang conversation sa telepono, rantings, daan daang nobelang nabasa, plastic balloons, halos isang-libong pelikula, at di mabilang na cases ng beer. Nabuo siya sa utak ko. At gabi-gabi nakikipag-sayaw ako sa kanya bago matulog. Umaasang makakakilala din ako ng ganoon…
Ideal Person Qualities version 1.0
1. Marunong o mahilig magsulat
2. Maganda (di masaya ang panget na ka-partner)
3. Can use like words like “thwarted,” “ostracized” and “forbade” properly.
4. Grammatically capable.
5. Successful at an early age
6. Younger than I am.
7. Likes PC Games and what-not.
8. Maganda ang ngipin.
9. marunong magbasa.
10. kumpleto ang mga daliri.
11. maganda ang boses.
12. Someone who digs the music I that like.
13. hindi mataba!
14. Can whip-up a storm and dance in its glory (until now hindi ko alam ang meaning nito, but it sounds cool).
15. Can carry a thought provoking conversation. .
… at parang Bingo na may jackpot na Oven Toaster, may nakakuha ng block out. Weird no? Three months ago nangyari yun. At ipinanganak si (say it with me) Phantom Menace… Phantom Menace… Phantom Menace…
For some weird act of fate, we became friends. Kung sino ba naman nakaisip na katapat ko ng station ung babae, I blame you for all of this.
But, surprisingly, I found myself making dumb excuses just to talk to her; distracting her, asking questions that I can even answer. And it was fun.
Panay na nga papansin ko dun. But, buti nalang maypagka-dense. Oo. Dense. Manhid. Kahit siguro maging isa nalang ang possible interpretation ng mga pinapakita ko (i.e. anger, happiness sadness and gloom), di niya pa rin magegets!
Sabi niya: “humble lang ako”
I say: “Dense”
Sabi niya: “ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung if I’ll assume na ako yun..”
I say: “still DENSE!”
Sabi niya: “it couldn’t be me. I’m not the idea-personyl type.”
I say: “Dense and dense. Denser than any heavy metal element. Dense. Impenetrable denseness. Hardcore density”
Ok. So periodically tumitigil sa revolution ang mundo ko. Parang movie: darating ang si girl, mag-slowmotion ang lahat. Tapos ang lahat ng mga tao sa paligid at titigil. She flips her hair. Maglalaway si boy. Classic. Get it? O di ba? Parang bad-B-film.
EKSENA:
Ako: hm… so… um… musta?
Phantom: ok lang. Hey we’re going to a beach. Sama ka?
Ako: (without any hesistation) oo naman! Kelan? Mageeempake na ko!
Phantom: Ah really? Cool
Ako: (bulong to self) you are so cool…
Phantom: next week. I’ve scheduled na leaves for them.
Ako: (bulong to self not listening) marry me… come on!
Phantom: and malayo daw. Nakarating ka na dun?
Ako: (bulong to self and still not listening) we can have cats and dogs! Madami. Ilang dosena?
Phantom: earth to you? Haller? Ok ka lang
Ako: Ha!? (kamot sa kalbong ulo)
I can say that I miss her poison. Her venom. She moved farther from it all. It keeps me sane at times. I bet she can tame me, but I would not bet on it. I may run away if that happens. That’s another story.
I don’t know how long the friendship will last. But I do hope that it will. I enjoy it so much.
On the other hand, I might hire an exorcist to cast her away from my world. I’m a pussy. Believe me.
Oh yeah. She has a boyfriend. And they’re so much in love. Fooooey!
Coming soon…
The Phantom Menace II – The Confrontation
Usually, ayaw ko na may gumugulo sa utak ko. Ganoon lang talaga ako siguro. Kasi ako ung obsessive-compulsive na person at the same time burara. pagdating sa gamit ko sa sa bahay, ok lang na nakakaalat. Mas madaling hanapin ang nakakalat lang. Sa isang banda, pag ang utak ko ang nakakalat, ibang usapan na iyon. Sport nalang tayo sa labas!
Dumating si Phantom Menace sa buhay ko na parang bagyo. Biglang kaboom: ulan hangin. I was being blown to a hundred different directions. Nagkaroon ng landslide of emotions. The next thing I knew, it was a smorgasbord of feelings na; Magulo, addictive, insane, parang roller-coaster ride na may libreng cotton candy, guilt stricken, smile-inducing, intoxicating, stasis-causing, at kung anu-ano pa.
Inside this loony brain of mine, nabuo siya as the epitome of what is ideal. Ideal as in yung template ko. And um… yeah… for the highschool students out there, DREAM GIRL (pweh pweh! I hate the term) And take note, no one has ever come close to it ever. Ang ideal ko ay combination ng 26-taong experiences, aches, pagninilay-nilay, pangatngat ng kendi, pagbisita sa dentista, baggages, walang katapusang conversation sa telepono, rantings, daan daang nobelang nabasa, plastic balloons, halos isang-libong pelikula, at di mabilang na cases ng beer. Nabuo siya sa utak ko. At gabi-gabi nakikipag-sayaw ako sa kanya bago matulog. Umaasang makakakilala din ako ng ganoon…
Ideal Person Qualities version 1.0
1. Marunong o mahilig magsulat
2. Maganda (di masaya ang panget na ka-partner)
3. Can use like words like “thwarted,” “ostracized” and “forbade” properly.
4. Grammatically capable.
5. Successful at an early age
6. Younger than I am.
7. Likes PC Games and what-not.
8. Maganda ang ngipin.
9. marunong magbasa.
10. kumpleto ang mga daliri.
11. maganda ang boses.
12. Someone who digs the music I that like.
13. hindi mataba!
14. Can whip-up a storm and dance in its glory (until now hindi ko alam ang meaning nito, but it sounds cool).
15. Can carry a thought provoking conversation. .
… at parang Bingo na may jackpot na Oven Toaster, may nakakuha ng block out. Weird no? Three months ago nangyari yun. At ipinanganak si (say it with me) Phantom Menace… Phantom Menace… Phantom Menace…
For some weird act of fate, we became friends. Kung sino ba naman nakaisip na katapat ko ng station ung babae, I blame you for all of this.
But, surprisingly, I found myself making dumb excuses just to talk to her; distracting her, asking questions that I can even answer. And it was fun.
Panay na nga papansin ko dun. But, buti nalang maypagka-dense. Oo. Dense. Manhid. Kahit siguro maging isa nalang ang possible interpretation ng mga pinapakita ko (i.e. anger, happiness sadness and gloom), di niya pa rin magegets!
Sabi niya: “humble lang ako”
I say: “Dense”
Sabi niya: “ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung if I’ll assume na ako yun..”
I say: “still DENSE!”
Sabi niya: “it couldn’t be me. I’m not the idea-personyl type.”
I say: “Dense and dense. Denser than any heavy metal element. Dense. Impenetrable denseness. Hardcore density”
Ok. So periodically tumitigil sa revolution ang mundo ko. Parang movie: darating ang si girl, mag-slowmotion ang lahat. Tapos ang lahat ng mga tao sa paligid at titigil. She flips her hair. Maglalaway si boy. Classic. Get it? O di ba? Parang bad-B-film.
EKSENA:
Ako: hm… so… um… musta?
Phantom: ok lang. Hey we’re going to a beach. Sama ka?
Ako: (without any hesistation) oo naman! Kelan? Mageeempake na ko!
Phantom: Ah really? Cool
Ako: (bulong to self) you are so cool…
Phantom: next week. I’ve scheduled na leaves for them.
Ako: (bulong to self not listening) marry me… come on!
Phantom: and malayo daw. Nakarating ka na dun?
Ako: (bulong to self and still not listening) we can have cats and dogs! Madami. Ilang dosena?
Phantom: earth to you? Haller? Ok ka lang
Ako: Ha!? (kamot sa kalbong ulo)
I can say that I miss her poison. Her venom. She moved farther from it all. It keeps me sane at times. I bet she can tame me, but I would not bet on it. I may run away if that happens. That’s another story.
I don’t know how long the friendship will last. But I do hope that it will. I enjoy it so much.
On the other hand, I might hire an exorcist to cast her away from my world. I’m a pussy. Believe me.
Oh yeah. She has a boyfriend. And they’re so much in love. Fooooey!
Coming soon…
The Phantom Menace II – The Confrontation
You: The Missing Syntax of My Soul
Slender lines complete the letters that
Dictate the weariness of my hand on any parchment
As symbols collide with each strings of
Graphite-pitch dark meanderings, placid
lingering force.
Passion, swooping over, lightning speed,
To draw out meaning to the word “US.”
What is "Us" for an old lamp that burns steady over this
Wooden table worn out by years of endless
Soirees between pen and paper.
Mocked sunlight?
Witness encompassing from night embraces daylight.
Dictas.
What is the "Us" for an old passer-bystander-peddler?
Trotting the old groves: onlooker of hope as we
Also are passers-bystanders-peddlers to him.
As he watches the dance of our hands clasping
Bodies alien to each.
Rules.
What is "Us" for simple water as it embraces shallow pools
And deep ditches carved by the brute unforgiving
Anger of the Earth: chaos reform?
It smirks and rages as we mold the land under our feet
By handfuls of earth between steps and tangos
Us is the missing syntax of my soul
Us is the pattern of logic between the end and the beginning
Absence and presence
Dark and light
Love and Indifference
Might and feebleness
of You and I.
Dictate the weariness of my hand on any parchment
As symbols collide with each strings of
Graphite-pitch dark meanderings, placid
lingering force.
Passion, swooping over, lightning speed,
To draw out meaning to the word “US.”
What is "Us" for an old lamp that burns steady over this
Wooden table worn out by years of endless
Soirees between pen and paper.
Mocked sunlight?
Witness encompassing from night embraces daylight.
Dictas.
What is the "Us" for an old passer-bystander-peddler?
Trotting the old groves: onlooker of hope as we
Also are passers-bystanders-peddlers to him.
As he watches the dance of our hands clasping
Bodies alien to each.
Rules.
What is "Us" for simple water as it embraces shallow pools
And deep ditches carved by the brute unforgiving
Anger of the Earth: chaos reform?
It smirks and rages as we mold the land under our feet
By handfuls of earth between steps and tangos
Us is the missing syntax of my soul
Us is the pattern of logic between the end and the beginning
Absence and presence
Dark and light
Love and Indifference
Might and feebleness
of You and I.
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